The Enigma
by spottedhorse
Summary: What events in his life made Gil Grissom so enigmatic? And will he ever find love? Here's one train of thought. Please read and review. I enjoy your responses.
1. A Tender Heart

Okay I don't own Gilbert Grissom, although I'd like to! There is no profit here for me except the pleasure I derive from exploring this complex character. Hope you enjoy the journey. Please read and review. My ego need nourishment.

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It was a hot afternoon; unseasonably hot in LA. Nine year old Gil Grissom was stretched out on the floor in front of the tv, watching his favorite cartoons. In fifteen minutes the 'Three Stooges' would be on. He liked the Stooges, they made him laugh. His father came in from work, a little earlier than usual. "Hey buddy, what are you watching?' he asked in his gentle tone. Gil looked up long enough to see his father stretch out on the couch, kicking off his shoes. "Just cartoons. But the Stooges come on soon." He turned back to the tv.

A few minutes passed and Gil was absorbed in the antics of his favorite trio. Moe and Curly were at it again. Laughing, Gil turned to share the fun with his father. At first glance, the boy thought the man had fallen asleep. But something looked wrong to the observant youngster and he crawled closer for a better look. He sat next to his dad for a moment and realized that he wasn't breathing. Gil sprang from his spot and ran into the kitchen to get his mother. She followed him into the living room. Touching her husbands face, she screamed. To young Gil it was the loudest, most heart wrenching scream he thought he would ever hear. He ran next door for help and a few minutes later an ambulance arrived. Help was too late, of course. "So that's what death looks like," the boy muttered to himself.

The funeral was three days later. Gil suffered through all the well wishers and cheek pinchers. He thought if no one ever touched him again it would be too soon. The priest was there, Father Mike. He tried to console Gil's mother but the man had never taken the time to learn even the most simple signs so that he could communicate with her. She read lips, but Gil watched in frustration as the cleric refused to look at her face so that she could understand. Then he moved his attention to Gil, mumbling something about his father in purgatory and hopefully he would be out soon. Later Gil read his Bible from cover to cover. He found many comforting words there but nothing about purgatory. None of that mattered to Gil. His father was a good man and when the time came, he would be with God. Gil vowed that he would grow up to be a good man so he could go be with his dad.

Others had tried to comfort Gil and his mom. Mostly they just made the two feel worse. By the end of the day, Gil found himself weaving through the mourners trying to protect his mom from their care. She was very tired, he could tell, and their attentions only made her worse. His uncle patted him on the back. "Well Gil, your mother's going to need your help now more than ever. You'll have to help her handle the business things...making her phone calls and such. You'll have to be her voice when others don't want to take the time to listen to her. Guess you're the man of the house now." Nine year old Gil didn't think he was ready to be a man just yet. He still had a lot of boy stuff to do. His dad had told him that just last week.

That night, for the first time in his life, he was glad his mother was deaf. He was confident that she couldn't hear his crying or his screams of anger. Why had his father died? Why couldn't anyone tell him? He made another vow to himself that when he grew up, he would find the answers so that other sons and daughters could know why.

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Gil had never been particularly outgoing. He was apparently a lot like his father, who had been absorbed in his study of botany; more interested in his plants than people. Added to his natural reticence was the complication of having a deaf mother. Gil never really saw her as handicapped. She was a very confident, competant woman. But on the rare occassions when he did invite a classmate over, her deafness seemed to scare them. He couldn't understand their reactions; to him it was just a normal part of life. But to a boy in middle school being different is deadly. And Gil was definatly different. It wasn't that he didn't want friends; they just didn't seem to want him. So he spent most of his time pursuing his favorite pasttime, hunting bugs. Consequently, at a time when most early teens are learning to be social, Gil Grissom was driven more into himself. If he participated in anything with the other kids it was on the fringe of a group, there but unseen. He didn't mind. He really didn't like most of them anyway.

Then one day in the eighth grade, he discovered girls. Well, one in particular. Laura Smythe was introduced to the class. Her family had just moved there. The teacher asked that all the kids try to meet her and make her feel welcome. Normally Gil ignored such requests but _she_ was different. She had beautiful chestnut colored hair and chocolate brown eyes that seemed huge to him. She was kind of skinny but that didn't matter to him; it was love at first sight. He made a point of being next to her in the lunch line. And he followed her all the way through the row of tables until she sat down next to Paula Martin. Paula was one of the cool kids so Gil kept walking. He spent the afternoon watching her every move. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen.

Gil floated through the next week, alternating between agony and ecstacy. Sometimes she seemed to notice him and once she even smiled at him. He had tried to speak to her but couldn't think of anything to say. Then she walked off with her new freinds before he could say anything. Gil wished he was better at this. He watched Greg Nelson, the coolest guy in the class. All the girls liked him. But somehow Gil just couldn't picture himself saying the stuff Greg said. Actually Gil couldn't picture himself saying much at all.

One afternoon, while they were waiting for their buses, Gil saw a butterfly. It was a Monarch. He captured it in his hand and walked over to Laura and held out his hands. "I ...want to show you something," he said. He opened his hands to let the butterfly escape. She watched in fascination as it fluttered away. Smiling she looked at him. He found his courage and ventured further, "It's beautiful; like you." Her eyes warmed at his comment but the other girls were giggling. Quietly she mouthed a "Thank you."

Young Romeo was sustained for another week on her simple response. He searched the fields around his house until he found a cocoon. The next afternoon he gave it to her. "If you keep it in a warm, dry place a butterfly will emerge," he told her. "It is a beautiful sight when it comes out and dries it's wings and then flies away."

She took the cocoon and held it tenderly. Then Paula came up. "Ewwwww, Bugboy is trying to contaminate you or something. That is so gross." She knocked it out of Laura's hand and it rolled into the sewer. Laura looked at Gil and said, "I'm sorry.' She really did look sorry so he believed her.

He saved his money for weeks to buy her something special. Finally, when he had enough, he went to the gift shop near his mom's work and bought it. The sales lady admired his choice as she wrapped it for him. "What a beautiful butterfly," she commented. "I wonder how they get it to stay so beautiful in the water globe like that. It really is stunning."

Gingerly he carried it to school the next day and put it in his locker. That morning in English class, he stopped Laura and asked her to meet him at her locker after school. He told her he had something special for her. She agreed and promised she wouldn't forget. He was nervous all day. He really hoped she would like his gift.

The bell rang for the end of the day. He rushed to his locker and retrieved her gift and then hurried to hers. He waited and waited for her but she never came. Finally he walked out of the door to see if he could find her. She stood by her bus, holding hands with Greg Nelson. Gil's shoulders slumped as he headed for his bus.

That night he cried almost as much as he had the night of his father's funeral. Why wasn't he good enough for someone like her? Thirty some odd years later, the wrapped gift still sat on the back of Gil Grissom's closet shelf.

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Gil had managed to stay invisible all through high school. It had been his choice. An opportunity came up for him to work at the coroner's office, doing autopsies on animals and generally helping out. He found that he got along much better with the people there than his classmates. He liked the work and began to think of a career along those lines. His main interest was still bugs.

He choose to stay close to home for college so that he could keep his job. He studied Biology and between testing out of several classes and taking summer courses, he graduated three semesters ahead of schedule. It ws then that he went ot work for the coroner's office full time. Not satisfied with his B.S. however, he dove into graduate studies and choose entomology. It was during this exciting time that he met Carol Monroe. She was a fellow student in the Biology Department; however, her interest in the subject was very different than his. She delighted in teaching him some of the aspects of human biology that he hadn't yet experienced. He had been very shy at first about the whole thing, realizing quickly that there was a huge experience gap. But she seemed to enjoy his innocence and teaching him how to better satisfy her. Once again Gil fell in love. After six months of their very physical relationship, he brought up the subject of marraige. "Why would I marry you?" she'd asked incrediously. "I mean, you're a good time between the sheets and all, but...no way." Once again, Gil had been crushed.

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Years later, Gil was restless and wanting to do something different. The Crime Lab in Las Vegas had inquired to see if he would be interested in a job there. He'd moved out of the coroner's office and into forensics field work several years earlier and had established a good reputation. Vegas was trying to become the best lab in the country and they wanted him. After some consideration, he decided that this was the change he needed. He packed his stuff, kissed his mother good bye and headed off to Sin City.

His first week there, he was assigned to a case at a place called the Kit-Kat Club. The case had been fairly routine but while there he'd met a very intriguing young woman. She couldn't have been more than twenty one or twenty two and she had the most beautiful face he'd ever seen. As one of the dancers, she also had some other very nice features. He was off the next night and decided to go to the club to watch her dance. In fact, he spent every evening he could at the club watching her. He was mezmerized. She saw him coming back, time after time and was confused when he never approached her. Finally one night she finished and ran back to the dressing room to slip into some clothes. Then she ran out and found him at his table. "Hi, I'm Catherine," she said.

He swallowed and then found his voice. "Gil Grissom. Do you have a minute to sit?"

"Sure, especially if you buy me a drink."

She slid into a chair as he signaled the waitress. A drink soon appeared in front of Catherine.They talked for a long time.He told her where he worked and some of what he did. She talked about growing up in Vegas and how she was dancing to earn money to go to college. Gil had never had such an easy time talking to anyone in his life. She just seemed to know how to make him comfortable. And he loved her smile. Her whole face radiated when she smiled.He felt that she could warm him on the coldest Minnesota nights with just her smile. But he wasn't going to be stupid this time. He wouldn't get burned again. He would take it slow and be sure she was really interested in him, not that he had any real reason to think she was.

Months passed and their easy relationship grew into his first true friendship. He felt like he could talk about anything with her; not that he did. And he loved to listen to her talk. She had such an energy and animation to her that it gave him energy. His world was happier whenever he spent time with her.And he loved to watch her dance. He didn't watch the same way as the others did though. When she danced he saw that it took her someplce else; a better place and he wanted to go there with her. Oh, he appreciated her beauty and would be lying if he said her dancing didn't turn him on, but that's not the reason he watched. She sensed that and at times, he thought she was only dancing for him. Once again, he was falling.

Then someone else entered the picture. She started spending a lot of time with some jerk, Eddie. Gil hated him but he tried to hide it. He didn't want to lose Catherine so he acted cool with their relationship. But he didn't like who she became when Eddie was around. Finally one night, he'd seen enough. She was dancing and Eddie was leering. Gil couldn't understand why Eddie would treat her that way if he loved her. The more Eddie leered and jeered, the angrier Gil got. For the first time in his life he was overwhelmed with the notin that he would like to kill someone. So he abruptly left. Catherine called him the next day but he refused to talk to her.She was choosing to let the jerk treat her like that and so he was angry with her too. A few months later he heard they had gotten married. She was pregnant with Eddie's kid. Gil's heart sank; it should've been his kid.

A little over a year later she showed up on his doorstep with the baby. Her face was bruised and bleeding and she and the baby were crying. He let her in and helped her clean up. She settled the baby and they sat and talked all night. She told him about life with Eddie and the drugs and how he never worked and spent all the money she earned. Her dreams of college were disappearing. Fianlly she dozed off. A few minutes later the baby stirred. Gil picked her up and gazed into the eyes of the child that he desperatly wished was his.

Gil helped her get free of the drugs. Then he got her into school and she became a good student. Whenever Eddie beat her, Gil cleaned her up. He knew Catherine only saw him as a good friend, brother maybe. But he needed to help her; to be near her. His heart broke with every beating and he feared for the child. Gil managed to restrain himself over the beatings Cahreine took. For some reason beyond Gil's reasoning, she choose to go back. But if Eddie ever touched the child, Gil vowed he'd kill the bastard.

Not once in all those years did Gil hint at his true feelings for Catherine. He knew in his heart that there was no way she felt the same. Besides, she was married and seemed determined to make it work. So she kept going back until finally one day she had enough and she divorced him. But the chaos didn't end there and it would be a few more years before Eddie was truly gone from her life. By then Gil had given up any hope of having anything beyond friendship with her. By then he knew he would die a bitter lonely old man.

One night they were sitting in his office. Gil was in his chair behind his desk and Cath was in a chair opposite, her feet propped on his desk. "Don't you ever get lonely, Gil. I mean...really, the bugs can't be enough for you?"

"I have other things in my life. And I have you," he smiled.

"Yeah, but well, I know I get lonely. I mean, you're a great frind and all...but Well, I miss having someone to warm my bed, you know?"

Gil eased his glasses off his face and carefully put them on his desk, considering how to respond.

"Really Gil, when was the last time you had sex? For me it's been ...well, too long. God what I'd give for a good fu...' she stopped as she noticed the strange expression that came over his face.

He face was red and then slowly the color drained. He swallowed hard and then spoke softly. "Cath, I'm ...not one of your girlfriends. I mean, I know we share almost everything, but this is a little...too much"

"I'm sorry. You're right." She was quiet for aminute and Gil regained his composure. "But seiously, You used to at least try to go on dates. When _was _the last time you...?"

He blanched. She could see his control slipping and not in a good way. "Gil, I'm sorry. I did it again." She walked to his side of the desk and bent to wrap her arms around his neck. Before she realized what was happening he'd pulled her around, into his lap and was kissing her. Not a gentle kiss either. It was full of passion and longing; years of pent up frustration flowed through his lips. Her body tingled from his excitement. Then as abruptly as it had begun, it was over. He stood and walked away from her, keeping his back to her. He took in a deep breath and turned. "You want to know why I don't bother to date anymore, Cath. Well, now I think you have an idea. I don't want to hear any more about your mishaps with other men, Cath. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for years. And I know you don't feel the same but now you know and maybe you'll quit telling me about those other guys." He looked like he might cry or kill her, she wasn't sure which.

"Gil, I'm sorry...I had no idea." She was frightened. Frightened about his state and frightened about their relationship. But another emotion was there too...hope?

"Please Cath," he whined. "Please, just leave."

She walked out of the room, gently closing the door behind her. A few minutes later he heard a gentle knock. He had stretched out on his couch, exhausted from his earlier emotions but still in turmoil. He didn't answer. Another knock, slightly louder. Still no answer. Slowly the door opened. She saw him on the couch, his arm over his eyes. Quietly she closed the door and eased over to him. "Gil?"

His arm flew off his face and panic set in. He sat up and glared at her.

She sat next to him making him more uncomfortable. "Cath, Please...just...I can't do this anymore."

"Her hand reached over and took his. "Neither can I, Gil. All those other men...I wanted them to be you. But they couldn't be and so it always ended in a mess."

Gil sat very still; afraid to move, afraid to respond.

"Gil, when Lindsey was born...I wished she was yours. Actually, I wished she was yours the night she was conceived."

Tears began to work their way onto his cheeks. He blinked, trying to hold them back. He had never felt so sad in his life.He swallowed, trying to respond but knew he'd break if he did.

She cupped his chin in her hand, turning his face toward her. Gently, tenderly she kissed him. He blinked and began to pull back but she wouldn't let him. Her hand held him as she continued to probe. He relaxed into the kiss and began to kiss back. There was no urgency or anger in that kiss; just resignation. When they finally seperated he whispered, "you really want me?"

"Yes, Gil...only you."

He hugged her so tight she thought he'd break her in half. She recognized his emotion though; he was holding on to her for dear life, just as she had held onto him so many times over the years. No words were necessary now. The walls had tumbled and they both saw clearly the other side. Their two worlds had became one.


	2. Noah

It had been two weeks since Gil had told Catherine the truth of his feelings for her; two weeks since she had confessed that she wanted only him. In many ways they had been the happiest two weeks of his life, but they had also been the scarriest. He couldn't seem to get over the feeling that she would change her mind; that she would look up and think he was too boring or just not good enough. He found that he frequently had to remind himself to breathe. Everytime she entered the room his heart seemed to stop and he would have to tell it to beat again. He watched her all the time and the others were beginning to notice. Brass shot him a knowing grin everytime they saw him. But he couldn't help it; she was like an angel to him, beautiful and shimmering. He knew that he was in deeper than he had ever been before and lived in fear of the consequences if she too turned away from him. He was like a moth drawn to a flame; he just prayed her flame wouldn't burn him.

They were driving to a scene in Henderson. He'd made her drive because, frankly, he was afraid he'd watch her more than the road and they'd never get there. And so he was watching her; studying the outline of her features in the nightlight. She had such a beautiful face which made for a beautiful silouette. He knew he was smiling; he couldn't seem to help that either.

"Stop that," she chastised.

"What?" He answered innocently.

"You're staring at me again."

"I can't help it if your beauty enchants me." He grinned.

"Hmmmm, now Gil, this is just getting annoying. How am I suppossed to concentrate on a case if you are staring at me all the time?" she asked playfully.

"Okay, you concentrate and I'll stand behind you and you won't know that I'm staring. The view from back there is pretty good. I've been admiring it for years."

"So, you _were_ oggling my tush all this time?" She was laughing now.

His broad smile answered for him. "And I plan to continue to oggle...that and you're other attributes also. Get used to it."

Lustily she replied, "then be prepared for similiar attention."

She turned down the street to the crime scene. Pulling to the curb, she turned off the ignition. Their demeanor changed and two professionals emerged from the Denali.

Brass was waiting at the yellow tape. "What we got?" Catherine asked.

"A bad one. A woman, Jenna Wilkes and her baby." Jim looked at his notes. "Baby is fourteen months old, named Austin. Looks like she died trying to save the baby. He's well," Jim looked sick. "You'll see. But this one's going to make you sick; be prepared."

Gil blanched at Jim's words.He hated the ones where kids were involved, especially babies. Neither Catherine or Brass missed his loss of color. Touching his arm Catherine leaned into him. "You okay?"

Grissom swallowed and nodded. They walked slowly toward the house. "Oh...my...god," Catherine muttered as they entered. Gil froze in place. Blood was everywhere. The edged their way around the room to the bodies. Catherine knelt beside the mother. Gil stood looking down at the corpse of the infant. Suddenly he turned and bolted out of the room. In all their years of working together, Catherine had never seen him react like that. She followed him out and found him pacing in the street.

"Gil?"

He turned to her, wide eyed with fear and ...something else. "Cath, I can't...work this one. Call Nick.I'll get a ride back with one of the uniforms. You have to handle it. I can't...go back in there."

"Gil, what it is? I know you ..."

He walked off before she could finish.

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Catherine and Nick arrived back at the lab a few hours later with evidence to be processed. After ensuring that the proper people were involved in the analysis, Catherine headed to Grissom's office to find him.

"Gil?," she called softly as she knocked and entered his dark office. He either wasn't there or he had turned out the lights to help fend off a headache. Looking toward the couch, she spotted him. "Migraine?"

He moved his arm away from his eyes and grunted.

"Did you take your pills yet?"

"Can't find them..."

Smiling at his continuing battle with losing his pills, she walked over to his desk and opened the second drawer. Shuffling through the contents she found the magic bottle. Heading back to him, she opened the cap. "Here," she said.

He sat up and gratefully took two pills from her, popping them into his mouth. She went to his fridge and came back with a bottle of water. Handing it to him, she spoke. "Nick and I brought back a lot of evidence. I think we have a good chance of finding whoever did that."

He just nodded, his head hanging. She seemed to be waiting for something but he didn't feel like talking. Then he remembered that they were trying to be more open with each other. He really should say something.

"It reminded me of a case I had back in LA, when I was a coroner. That baby's name was Noah. He was younger than this baby, but..." Catherine was frightened by his look. She had never seen him so openly hurting from a case. He looked devastated.

"These are the worst kind of cases...but you've never liked cases involving children anyway."

Gil sighed. He didn't want to talk about it but he needed to. And he needed her. Slowly he reached in his pocket and pulled out his wallet. Fumbling behind some cards he pulled out a picture and handed it to her.

Curious, she looked from his forlorn face to the picture. It was of a baby, seven or eight months old, she guessed. He had a happy smile and big blue eyes with curly brown hair. Oh..."Gil, this is ..."

"My son." A tear trailed its way down his cheek. She sat down next to him and put her hand on his, her eyes inquiring.

"I was working at the morgue when two bodies were brought in. One was an adult male and the other was a nine month old infant. I opened the smaller bag to find the face of my son staring back at me." Horror enveloped his face as he remembered that night. Catherine had so many questions but knew better than to push. He would tell her in his own way.

There was a girl I had met at school, Carol Monroe. I think I was in love with her but I was only an amusement to her. After we broke up, she came to me and said she was pregnant. She wasn't sure who the father was but I was one possibility. After he was born, there was no doubt. But I had the tests done anyway. She was spending a lot of time with ...well, they were into the 70s lifestyle; drugs, sex, and whatever diversion they could find. I was trying to get custody of Noah, but in those days fathers, especially unwed ones, had little standing. She let me keep him when she wanted to party, but it was never a regular schedule or anything. I volunteered just so I could see him. He was so beautiful, Catherine...and such a happy little guy. Before I knew waht was happening he had my heart all twisted up with his." He looked at her; so much pain and sadness in his eyes that her heart was breaking.

"One night Carol was having a party. One of the guys that hung around all the time was a speed freak. He was high and started hallucinating. At some point Noah started crying. The freak hallucinated something about Noah, we'll never know what, and threw him against the wall." Gil's face was twisted with the pain of knowing how much his son had sufferred. "My precious boy...he...fell to the floor and the bastard, he...stomped on him, crushing his tiny body." Catherine was crying now. She hugged him tightly, "No, Gil...oh, no..."

Gil paused a minute and collected himself. "Carol, pulled a letter opener out her desk and stabbed the guy. He was the second body. She spent some time in prison and I have no idea what happened to her after that."

Catherine continued to hold him until he lossened his grip on her. He sat next to her, looking very lost. She looked back at the picture. "He's so precious, Gil. And he looks so much like you. I'll bet you were a good daddy, when you had the chance, I mean."

"I couldn't protect him and keep him safe. He was in danger and I knew it. As hard as I tried I couldn't get custody. I should have just taken him and run away, but I didn't. I should have been a better father. Keeping your children safe, that's a father's job."

"Gil, you did all that you could. His mother made some pretty bad choices. You had no control over that."

"After that, I just couldn't face any more pain. I think I had been building walls all of my life, but after Noah...I made them impenetrable. Since then, I haven't let anyone in...until you." He looked at her, his eyes at once trusting and pleading.

Catherine understood what he was saying. He had trusted her where he had trusted no one in what, thirty years? Until now she hadn't fully understood what it had taken for him to open himself up to her. She had to be sure he never regretted it.

She held his face between her hands and looked into his eyes. "And I am in, Gil. I'm all in. What hurts you, hurts me. When you are ready, I want you to tell me more about you and Noah. He's too precious for you to keep him all to yourself. Please share him with me."

He swallowed, a little of the sadness lifting from his face. Nodding he said, "Yeah, I will. But not just now. I can't..."

"No, not now. In little bits maybe. Just when you are ready." She smiled a sad smile. "And Gil...I love you. With everything that I am, I love you."

He hugged her again; a hug filled with need and also relief. "I love you too, Cath. I really barely know how, but I do love you."

He pulled away a little. Holding her hand he slid back, his head reating on the back of the couch. Telling her about Noah nad brought some relief but his head was still throbbing. Recognizing the symptoms, Catherine slid off the couch. "Lie down and try to rest. I'm going to go check on the case but I'll keep you posted. Sleep for awhile and I'll wake you later. " He stretched out again and she bent, gently placing a kiss on his forehead. He grabbed her hand and smiled. Then he kissed her hand and squeezed it before letting go. She quietly closed his door on the way out.

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Okay, I'm begging. I need feedback!


	3. The Missing Piece

Catherine quietly opened the door to Gil's office, not wanting to wake him if he was still sleeping. After glancing at the couch, she spotted him sitting in his chair behind his desk. Only his desk lamp was on so she moved closer to see what he was doing. His head was down and he seemed to be studying something in his hand. "Gil," she spoke softly as she approached.

He looked up, surprised and a little confused. "Cath, I didn't hear you come in."

She tried to see what he ws holding but his hand covered it. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, thanks for finding my pills...again." He smiled weakly. His eyes dropped back to the object in his hand.

She sat in her usual spot, the chair opposite his desk. Observing him , she noted that he seemed sad and a little lost.

"Must be important?" she asked as she eyed his hand.

"Hmmmm?" He looked up at her and saw the direction her eyes were cast. "Oh...it's...was my mother's." He opened his hand for her to see.

"Isn't that a rosary?"

"Yes, I kept it after she died. She always had it with her. It...helped; made me feel like she was somehow close."

"Thinking about her now?"

"Well, yes...but more about..." His shoulders slumped.

Catherine moved around the desk and sat on the corner, reaching her hand out to cover his. "Noah?"

"Yeah, and after."

"After?"

"I grew up Catholic. My mother never let me miss a mass and I was an altar boy and everything. I really believed in all that the priests told me; well, almost everything. After Noah died, I went to the priest. I confessed my weakness in not taking care of him and told him how my inaction played a part in his death. You know what he wanted to talk to me about?" He looked at her angrily. "He wanted to chastise me about the sin of fornication. My commission of that sin had led to Noah's death. His death was my punishment..._my punishment_!" His anguish was palatable. "Failing to protect my son was not a sin but fathering him had been. That was the last time I looked for answers from religion."

She knew he had a problem with religion; not a problem exactly, he just didn't believe in it. He'd given a few lame excuses over the years, but now she understood why. He hadn't blamed God; God had not failed him but religion had. So why was he fingering his mother's roasry; almost in an automatic response to the feel of them in his hand, as though he had been reciting it? She decided to remain quiet and let him share his thoughts as he was ready.

"She believed it all until the very end. It seemed to give her comfort. There have been times when I've wished for that kind of comfort, but it just isn't there for me. Until today, I thought I had put Noah's death behind me. There have been a few cases where there were babies that I thought of Noah, but it wasn't like today. Today it all came crashing back. It felt as if it had just happened. Does that make any sense?" Bewilderment clouded his eyes.

"Those other cases were different; this one was similiar to what happened to Noah. So, it makes sense that it would trigger all those memories...and pain. But I also don't think that losing a child could be something you ever really put behind you. I know what it would do to me if I lost Lindsey. I think you've carefully kept all those feelings behind one of your walls all these years and today, when you saw that baby those walls crumbled. So yeah, I think it makes perfect sense. This is going to hurt for awhile, Gil. You just have to accept that. You can't hide from it. But I'm here and I want to help you, if you'll let me."

He reached over to her and held her hand, squeezing it tightly. He wanted all these horrible feelings to go away but he knew they wouldn't, at least not right away. Somehow, having her with him helped though. Finally he found his voice again and asked, "Anything on your evidence?"

"Yeah, that's what I came to tell you. It was the woman's husband. Seems the baby wasn't his. The DNA didn't match. Brass hd his guys looking for the bastard. Funny thing though, Brass went all chalky when I told him. It seemed to really hit him hard."

"So the husband killed the baby because he wasn't the father. And I guess the mother tried to stop him and got killed in the process?"

"That's what the evidence says."

"Sometimes I think I'm getting too old for this job. Sometimes I'd rather not know the answers." he said bleakly.

"Yeah, I know. But remember when you told me about when your father died? You said no one would tell you why he died. I think that's why you keep doing it...the job, I mean. So others won't have to go through life wondering why."

Gil smiled at her. "When did you get so smart?"

"I've always been smart...or a smart ass," she smirked. "But there's this really smarter guy I know; he taught me how to use my brain." She leaned over to kiss him but he stood and hugged her instead.

"Yeah...well, if he's so much smarter, then why did it take him all these years to figure out how much he needs you? And to tell you how much he loves you? Because, I do." Then _he_ kissed _her_.

The shift had ended and Grissom was gathering his things to leave. Looking up, he spotted Catherine down the hall chatting with Nick. The conversation was intense and he felt drawn toward them. She glanced at him as he approached the two. Nick looked up and acknowledged his presence. "Hey Gris. I was just telling Cath...Brass got the bastard. They found him out on I-15 headed west. He's in booking now."

"So, we got him?" Grissom looked from Nick to Catherine.

"Yes," she smiled. "And we're going to make it stick."

"Good."

"Okay," said Nick. "Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow. I'm heading home."

"Thanks Nick," Grissom said quietly."See you tomorrow."

Turning back to Catherine, "Breakfast?"

"Thought you'd never ask." She answered grinning.

They headed to his townhouse where he fixed a killer of an omlete. Catherine even said so. She chatted as they finished eating but he found he couldn't concentrate on her words. He was basking in her sunlight. After a night that had thrown him into despair he realized that with her, he would always have hope for happiness; something he hadn't really believed in for a long time. Why had he closed himself off from her for so long, he wondered. As he thought of all the wasted opportunities and years, he wished he could get them back. But he knew that was impossible. As he watched her animated chatter, he decided that there would be no more wasting time. As she wound down, he interrupted. "Cath," he said seriously.

"Gil?" His sudden change in demeanor caught her by surprise. "You okay?"

"I...don't know. You'll have to answer that for me."

Looking at his face, she was confused. He had seemed happier just a few minutes ago and now he seemed...frightened? "What's wrong, Gil?"

"Nothing. It's just...well, will you marry me?" He looked like a deer in a headlight.

Her expression softened from concern to tenderness. He'd asked the question that she'd been waiting to hear from him for years. "I thought you'd never ask." She surprised him by attacking his lips with her kisses, until settling into one long deep one. Her happiness and excitement were evident and he returned the emotions. All the barriers to his heart tumbled as he accepted that she would marry him. He had opened himself to her in ways that he had never opened up to anyone and she loved him; more than that she found him acceptable and wanted him. He thought he would burst with happiness that was as great as all the pain of his past. The fragments of his life fell together as her love provided the missng piece of his puzzle. Finally he was complete.


	4. The Gift of Oneself

Catherine woke up the next morning, her head resting on Gil's shoulder. The warmth of his body and the comfort of his arm around her made her feel happy and cozy. She smiled softly as she listened to the rhythm of his heartbeat and his breathing. Last night had been their first time together. Even after he'd declared his love and she had responded in kind, he'd kept a little distance between them; not quite ready for the final commitment to a relationship. All of that had changed last night. After a horrific case and his startling revelation about his past, he'd finally let her all the way in; exposing his most closely guarded hurts and fears. Having given his trust to her so totally seemed to have freed him to also give his love. And what a night of love it had been! The last twenty four hours had proven to her once again that Gil Grissom was a man of surprises.

She needed to go to the bathroom badly but didn't want to leave the comfort of his body. Finally, she just had to do it. As carefully as she could she slid out from the covers and hurried into the bathroom. On her trip back to the bed she saw him smiling mischievously at her. "What's that smile for?"

His blue eyes travelled up and down her body, silently assailing her as his hands and mouth had done the night before. "Just thinking that the way you're walking you look a little saddle sore."

"Oh, I do...do I?" she smirked at him. "Well, that was some horse I rode last night."

"Yeah?" he laughed. "Well, I hear that the best cure is another ride..." He reached over and pulled her to him, his lips already beginning their attack. Their love making this morning didn't have the urgency of last night. He took his time, taking and giving pleasure all over her body. She shared her delight with his attentions by lavishing some of her own on him. The results were similar though as it ended with her calling his name in ecstacy and him groaning with satisfaction.

Once again she found her head on his shoulder. He had one arm around her waist and the other hand rested in her hair; his fingers softly massaging her scalp. Her left hand rested on his chest, gently teasing his bare skin. Neither was really sleepy but they were enjoying the lethargy of their post love making time. "Gil..."

"hummmmm?"

"Last night...why were you so afraid to ask me to marry you?"

His fingers stopped thier motion as he thought of a reply. He didn't have an easy answer. The most concise one was, "because I was afraid you might say no."

Cahterine thought for a moment. She knew he was afraid of personnal feelings; always had been. But she also knew he'd been opening those up to her more and more over the past couple of weeks. So why the sudden reversal? "But you knew that I love you. I told you that I've loved you for a long time. So why the fear all of a sudden?"

He searched his thoughts for a reply. "Habit, maybe. I'm not used to the idea that someone like you can love someone like me."

"Someone like me? Exactly who is someone like me?"

"The most beautiful girl in the Eighth Grade. I had a tremendous crush on her, you know. And she seemd to like me, in the way Eighth Grade girls like Eighth Grade boys. But she was just being nice to me. She was really interested in the cool guy. I learned then that geeks don't get to date the most beautiful girl in the class. Let alone, marry her."

"I'm the prettiest girl in the Eighth Grade?" she cooed.

He smiled and nuzzled her forehead. "No, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known. I thought that the first time I met you. And I think everytime I see you. Guys like me don't get to be with women like you."

"Guys like you? You mean guys that know how to treat a lady? Guys that are smart and funny AND good looking? You mean guys that make my knees go quivery when they flirt with me...or even just smile at me the right way? Those guys?"

I mean geeks...or nerds. Guys that are smart about things in books but have no clue when it comes to people. Guys who can do advanced cross word puzzles but trip all over themselves when they try to talk to a woman. Those guys...me."

"Well, maybe now that you have your nose out of that cross word puzzle, you'll see that you do have me. And I don't intend to let you go.You're the best thing that's ever happened to me Gil and I know it, even if you don't."

He closed his eyes as he absorbed her words. He thought of all the years he had loved her; wanted her. He remembered how intimidated he had been by her beauty at first, until they had settled into a deep friendship that until now had been his most cherished realtionship in his life. Now it seemed they were headed into something even better. More than anything he had ever imagined possible for himself. Of course he was afraid. He was afraid that he might not survive the pain when it went wrong and he lost her. And if it did go wrong, he would be left with no one.

He squeezed her closer to him, his other hand holding her head against him. "I love you Catherine," he whispered..

------------

That night they were called to a homicide on the strip. A bouncer at one of the clubs had been shot by someone in the crowd. Gil and Catherine were working the scene when the bouncer's wife showed up. She'd heard on the radio that there had been a shooting at the club and had rushed over to check on her husband. She ran past the yellow tape and headed into the buiding. Gil caught up with her just inside. "You're not suppossed to be in here; this is a crime scene," he said.

She turned and looked at him, her eyes pleading. "Please, my husband works here. I need to see him. I need to know that he's okay."

"What's your husband's name?"

"Harry Wilson," she replied.

Gil's heart sank. Catherine approached, ready to jump in if needed. Gil spoke to Mrs. Wilson softly, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Wilson. You're husband was killed tonight." He watched her quietly as understanding set in. Tears began to seep out of her eyes. "Is there someone here with you? Someone we could call for you?" He was very tender and solicitous. Catherine had seen him deliver similar bad news many times over the years and she was always surprised by the empathy in his voice when he spoke to the loved ones. Empathy was an emotion and emotions were something that Gil didn't share easily. But here he was, doing it again.

They had collected several guns at the scene and back at the lab, they waited for the ballistics reports. Sitting in Gil's office, they were enjoying a few quiet moments together. The rest of the team had various assignments and most were in the field. Catherine sat on the corner of his desk, watching him. He was keenly aware of her attention and therefore having difficulty concentrating on the latest memo form Ecklie. Fianlly he looked up and smiled at her. "Okay, I surrender. I'm have no idea what Ecklie's memo says. I can't think about Ecklie's edicts with you around."

She winked at him. "Good, nice to know I'm effective."

There was a long pause as he simply looked at her. A small smile crept across his face as he thought about their time together last night and that morning.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked provocativly as she saw the smile.

"You." he flirted back.

Now she was smiling; a very naughty smile. "Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about."

"Me? What did I do?"

"Well, there's last night. And then there's this morning." Then she turned more serious. "And also, there was you at the scene, telling the vic's wife that he was gone. You always amaze me with your level of empathy when you talk to the loved ones. Face it Gil, you usually don't show that kind of feeling, especially to strangers. Your voice was all warm and tender...caring."

Gil thought a minute and then answered her inquiry. "When the paramedics came to the house for my father, they were very businesslike. I think we all knew he was gone before they got there, but..." His brow furrowed as he remembered. "My mother was having a hard time since she couldn't hear what they were saying. I was trying to translate it to her. And when they finally declared him dead; well, their words sent chills through me. In my heart, I knew he was dead but when they said the words, they were so cold; so matter of fact. I know that to them it was just another DB, but to me it was my Dad. I try to remember that when I talk to the families. I try not to be cold. There's no easy way to receive the news, but I keep thinking that maybe in some small way it helps to not have the words sound so cold."

She smiled in amazement. How many times had she called him a robot? Of course, she knew it wan't true, but he hid his emotions so well...most of the time. Over the years she had realized that Gil felt some things deeper and more intensly than most. She just had never figured out when and where he would let his feelings out. The fuuny thing was, she'd noticed, he always had some reasonable clinical excuse for showing what he felt. He never just admitted to feeling things. Well, at least not until he had declared his love for her. She slid off his desk and leaned into him, preparing to kiss him with a promise of more things to come later. But jsut as she touched his lips, they heard a "hurump" from his doorway. Gil let out a sigh of frustration as they both focused their attention on the sorce of the noise.

Jim Brass stood smirking in the doorway. His eyes were alight with his 'I've got a secret' look. He seemed to be waiting for something. When neither said anything he quipped, "well don't let me spoil the fun. I can always come back later." But he said it as he strolled in the door.

Catherine was amused by Jim's obvious delight at having caught them at an awkward moment. Gil was piqued by his unexpected appearance. He was just getting used to this closeness with Catherine and always seemed to need to touch her now. Like an addict, he couldn't seem to get enough...never enough. Jim caught the frustration that flashed across his face before he recovered his placid mask.

He decided to share his information on the case and let Gil get back to things that clearly were more interesting for him. "Got a lead from one of the patrons. He saw a young woman, early twenties close to the vic and then the vic dropped jsut as she moved away. We've got a pretty good description and my guys are out looking."

"Thanks Jim." said Catherine smiling. "Now go away. I have some unfinished business with Gil."

"Yes, Ma'm," he said laughing as he turned to leave. "I'll, uh...I'll just close the door on my way out." He winked as he left, quietly shutting the door behind him.

Catherine turned back to Gil, preparing to pick up where they had been interrupted. He was ahead of her and his lips touched hers. When he finally let her up for air she mumbled, "Wow, I think I'm liking the new yo..." The last of her word was lost in his next kiss.

--------Okay, let me know what you think :-) ---------


	5. Lost and Found

Six months had passed since Gil Grissom declared his feelings for Catherine. They were married one month after he asked her. They both sold their houses and found one more suitable for their new life together. Lindsey loved her new room and there was space for Gil to have his own 'office' which Catherine thought resembled a bug zoo more than anything. But he spent happy hours in there, reading his entomology journals and feeding his critters. Catherine loved the back yard. There was a nice patio with a small outdoor kitchen, complete with a fireplace. She loved sitting out there on the cool desert evenings, warming by the fire. Gil liked it there too, but he never watched the fire. He watched his wife. He was still somewhat in awe that she loved him and had married him. At home with Catherine and Lindsey, his reticence had slowly dissolved. At work however, he was the same old Gil Grissom; unless his office door was closed and Catherine was inside with him.

Both Gil and Catherine had the night off. Lindsey was at a movie with her friends and the two were sitting on the patio, holding hands and enjoying the peace of a beautiful evening. "I'm so glad we found this house." Catherine said. Gil looked at her and smiled. "It is a beautiful house, Catherine. But you are my home." He squeezed her hand and leaned over to kiss her on the neck. He had intended to keep it light, but her response to him encouraged him to continue. As he kissed and nibbled, she closed her eyes and moaned. "Not that I'm complaining, Gil. But ...again?" she flashed him a sultry smile.

He stood, still holding her hand. "Always." She followed him inside to their bedroom where he continued his snack on her neck. Catherine, who had previously accused him of having no emotions, had been surprised by the ferocity of his passion. It seemed that once he opened himself up emotionally, he had no desire to curb his feelings. He basked in the sensuality of their lovemaking. And much to her surprise and pleasure, he never seemed to get enough of her. She loved the way he felt next to her, his skin on hers. Honestly, she never seemed to be able to get enough of him either.

Over an hour later, their latest session of ecstacy concluded, she was in the kitchen fixing a snack. He walked up behind her and wrapped her in his arms, attacking her neck again. "God Gil, you're a sex freak. I think you're addicted to it."

"Hmmm, " he mumbled into her ear. "Addicted to you. Your smell, your soft skin, your eyes, and especially the way you moan my name when I'm having my way with you." His brilliant blue eyes rested on hers, filled with all the warmth and love he was feeling.Her blood was boiling again already and she sensed that he was feeling the same. "Gil, I didn't think 50 year old men were supossed to be able to ...ah, be able to please their wives three times in one day."

"How many 50 year old men have you to keep happy?" he teased. "Pleasing you is a happy assignment. One that I want to do well." He kissed her lustfully, his carnal appetite craving more of her. Her snack that she was preparing was forgotten as he took her again, right there on the kitchen counter. Once they both were satisfied he pulled away, exhausted, softly kissing her and warming in her afterglow.

"Okay Gil, I'm going to take a shower or maybe even soak in that wonderful spa tub. And I'm going to come out all nice and fresh." She was smiling wickedly. "Before you get all charged up again just think about this..." her fingers were tracing his muscle lines on his chest. "If you touch me again tonight, I promise I'll chop it off." She was smiling and teasing him, but he recognized the warning in her taunt. "Okay," he pouted as his lip stuck out a little and he assumed the look that he knew she couldn't resist. She slid off the counter and headed back to their bathroom.

He cleaned up the kitchen and then followed her back. She had indeed decided to soak in the tub, so he headed for the shower. As he washed he put on a show for her, doing his best to imitate some of the dancing he'd seen her do years earlier. She couldn't help herself, she started laughing. "It's a good thing that you never tried to make it as an exotic dancer," she laughed. You would have failed miserably."

"What? I thought I was doing okay." he smiled as he turned off the water and emergerd, drying with a towel. He sat on the edge of the tub and leaned down to kiss her. His eyes travelled over her body appreciatively. "Want me to scrub your back?"

She eyes him suspiciously. "Just remember what I said," she smirked.

Laughing he reached for the washcloth and began to squeeze water over her back. Then he gently began to wash it, lovingly running the cloth over her. When he ws finished he leaned close to her ear. "Have anything else that I can help you with?' he whispered suggestively.

"Yeah, you can turn down the bed. And then I'm going to sleep."

He headed into the bedroom and straightened the bed for her. He turned off the lights except for her bedside lamp. She had finished her soak and came in the room looking for something to sleep in. Finally she crawled between the covers and smiled at him. "Coming to bed?"

He kissed her. "No, I don't want to end up in ER tonight. Besides, Lindsey should be coming in soon. I'll wait up for her." He turned off her light and softly closed the door as he headed to the living room. She drifted off to sleep, feeling safe and warm from his love.

The next night at work they were called to a homicide; a street shooting. Gil rarely let Catherine go on cases alone anymore. He tried to pair her with the others so that there would be no questions about the two married CSIs and any impropriety. But everyone else was out on cases, so he went with her. Brass waited for them at the scene. "Looks like a mugging gone bad." he told them. "A Lewis Goodlett. Missing a watch and ring. David's with him. Found his wallet...no cash." Cath nodded and heaed to the body. Gil circled the sidewalk around the body when gunfire suddenly broke out. Gil lunged toward Catherine and covered her with his body. Jim and the uniforms all drew their weapons. Gil reached back and pulled his but was more concerned with covering his wife than finding a target. Shots fired again. He watched as the bullets hit the surface and bounced. "Jim," he yelled. "Up and to your left."

Jim and his men studied the buildings in the direction Gil had indicated. Spotting movement in one of the windows, they prepared to fire. Flases lit the window frame and the officers opened fire. Jim and two uniforms made their way to the door and charged in and up the steps. Following the sound of the gunfore, they located the room where the sniper was and crashed in, guns firing.The sniper was dead. Jim gave the 'all clear.' Gil eased off his wife. She moaned and he was horrified to see blood oozing from her shoulder. Franticly, he called for paramedics. He tried to stem the flow of blood and keep her awake. She looked pale and he was frightened and desperate. He couldn't lose her. "Stay with me Cath. Please, stay with me."

Jim came running up from behind, panting from his run as he had realized she was hit. He kneeled beside her and tried to help Gil with her. The paramedics arrived and Jim backed Gil away from her a couple of feet to let them in. They went to work and quickly got her ready for transport. Gil rode with her, holding her hand and talking the whole way.

At the hospital, the scene was hellish. Doctors and nurses worked around her in a frenzy, trying to stabilize her. Gil stood just outside the door, his face horror stricken. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he considered that she might not make it. He felt so helpless.

Jim appeared next to his friend. "What's the word?" he asked.

Startled by Jim's sudden appearance, Gil shrugged his shoulders. "None yet. Still working on her." His voice was weak. Jim was as concerned for Gil as he was for Catherine. "Come on, let's sit over here. She'll need you when they finish. You need to try to relax a little."

Gil allowed himself to be led to some nearby benches. The two men waited in silence. A few minutes later a doctor approached, "Mr. Grissom?"

Gil stood, somewhat shakily. Jim stood behind him, ready to support his friend. The doctor spoke, "She's lost a lot of blood. We have managed to stop it for now but surgery will be required to repair the damage to the artery. I want to get some blood in her and be sure that she is stable before we proceed. It'll be a few hours."

"Is she...will she..." Gil couldn't ask the question. He was too afraid of the answer.

The doctor understood what he was asking though and responded. "She's not out of the woods but I think her chances are good. It all really depends on how she does with the surgery. Let's take it one step at a time for now, Mr. Grissom."

Gil nodded and found his way back to the bench. His eyes fixed upon the door to her room. He rarely blinked as he watched, willing her to live. Inside the doctor saw him watching and spoke to a nurse. She walked toward Gil and Jim. "Mr.Grissom, the doctor said you can come in for a few minutes while we wait."

Quickly he was beside Catherine. Timidly he held her hand. The hand had been so full of life jsut a few hours before. Now it was cool and lifeless. The feel of her cool fingers petrified him. He wrapped his other hand around the two joined hands. He closed his eyes and fought for self control. Then he looked at her face. She looked peaceful, if too pale. Maybe that meant that she wasn't in pain, he hoped. More likely that she was deep in a coma. His years as a coroner were betraying him. Too much knowledge and information. He swallowed hard and fought back the tears that threatened to overtake him. He wanted to speak to her, to tell her to stay with him, that he loved her. But he couldn't speak. All he could do was hold her hand and watch.

"Mr. Grissom?" It was the doctor again. He was holding her chart in his hand. "Did you know that your wife is pregnant?"

Gil blinked. "No," he whispered hoarsely. "You're sure?"

"Yes, the tech ran a test. We do that with women who are critically injured if we suspect the possibility. She's about eight weeks along, I would guess. This is all going to be very hard on the fetus. We'll do what we can for it but your wife is my primary concern."

Gil nodded. "Yes, of course." Tears threatened again. Had she known? He doubted it. She wasn't good at keeping secrets, especially happy ones. He turned back to her, loving her even more if that was possible. He stood there, watching her and holding onto her hand; he was afraid if he let go she'd slip away from him. He hoped that the baby would survive all the trauma that this was causing but he knew he could survive losing that little part of them that was inside her. He wouldn't survive if he lost her.

In the hall, Jim Brass watched his friends. Catherine was in more immediate danger but Gil was the one suffering right now. Jim had called Ecklie from the scene and CSIs from other shifts had been called in to cover the investigation. The detective looked at his watch. Graveyard was ending. The others would start showing up soon. Quietly he moved to the doorway. "Gil, what about Lindsey?"

Not taking his eyes from Catherine he answered quietly. "She doesn't know yet. She's probably getting ready for school. Could you ...?"

"Yeah, don't worry. I got it covered." Brass thought for a moment. He didn't want to leave Gil alone. If something went wrong there'd be no one here for him. He opened his phone and dialed. "Hey, Warrick...look, can you do Gil a favor?"

Gil was only mildly aware that someone was going to see about his 'daughter.' He loved her like that now but she still called him Gil. I suppose she's too old to change that now, he thought. He studied Cath's face for any sign of change. What will our baby be like, he wondered. Beautiful, like its mother...

Doc Robbins showed up a few minutes later. He spoke softly with Jim in the hallway. After hearing the details that JIm had of the injury and more disconcerting to him, the details of Gil's state, Doc approached Gil. "She's got a good chance, you know."

Gil hadn't heard him approach and jumped when he spoke. Still not looking away he said, "Yeah, but...why won't she wake up, Doc? Just a little. And she's so cool. I just wish..."

"She's cool because hospitals are always freezing; you know that Gil. And she's out of it becuase her body needs to concentrate on healing. You know that too. But ...talk to her Gil."

Gil looked at him briefly and then back at her. "She won't hear me; there's no evidence that she will."

"Evidence be damned. I've seen it make a difference too many times. Besides, even if it doesn't help her, it will help you. Talk to her. And I'll see what I can do about getting her another blanket." He limped away, his heart breaking for his friends.

Gil leaned closer to her ear. "I love you, Cath. Doc says I should talk to you. It might help both of us. I don't know but I can't seem to think right now so I'll take his word for it. Your doctor says we're going to have a baby. Did you know about it? What do we want, Cath...a boy or a girl? I really don't care, you know. It can be either...as long as you are there..." he continued talking. Babbling is what it felt like to him but at least he had a sense of being able to do something for her. Doc was right; it did help.

Several hours later they were all gathered in the surgical waiting room; Gil, Jim, Doc, Lindsey, Warrick, Nick, Greg, and Sara. Jim and Warrick had led Gil away from Catherine as the nurses prepared her for surgery. He hadn't gone willingly. SInce then he sat in the chair in a trance, retreating into his own hell. Lindsey had tried to talk to him, seeking reassurances but he had just looked at her, tears running down his face. He tried to respond but he seemed frozen, except for the tears. She'd been a little hurt but seemed to understand that his level of grief was too intense to help her deal with hers. So she turned to her other 'uncles' who took turns hugging her and consoling her. At some point Sara noticed that he was shaking. It started with small tremors and progressed until the chair shook. Alarmed she called a nurse, who in turn called for a doctor. Shock was a concern but Gil refused to give up his place in the waiting room. He wasn't going anywhere until they told him Catherine was safe. Finally the doctor ordered a mild sedative; one that would help calm him but wouldn't knock him out.

Jim stood next to Doc as all this was unfolding. "I dunno, Doc. I've seen a lot of husbands deal with this kind of thing but I've never seen anything like this. What's it gonna do to him if she doesn't make it?'

"If we lose her Jim, I'm afraid we'll lose him too." Doc's voice was thick with concern.

About an hour later, the doctor appeared in the doorway. He spotted Grissom and walked to him, sitting in the chair next to him. Jim didn't like the look of that. Doctors almost always stood for good news. They could deliver good news quickly and move on. Bad news was a different matter.

"Mr. Grissom. It was tough in there, but she fought hard and I think we're almost out of the woods. I'm sorry to say, though, that she lost the baby."

Gils dim blue eyes looked up at his face, hope showing for the first time in hours. "She's still alive?"

"Yes, she is. Like I said, she fought hard to stay with you. We repaired the damage and the bleeding is under control. She's still in recovery. We'll move her to ICU for a day or two and then to a private room. You can see her when she gets to ICU. She's going to need a lot of love and support, but I see that she'll have it." He was looking around at the gathering with approval. "I think probably you'll need some too for a while." He stood and left.

Gil took a deep breath. He looked at Lindsey and smiled, although it was a weak one. She hugged him as he whispered, "She's okay. She really is okay."

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Okay, the beast needs feeding. LOL Reviews please.


	6. Puzzle Solved

Gil's hospital vigil frightened all of his friends. He wouldn't leave, even to go home and shower and change. Jim had Lindsey bring some of his clothes and Jim and Nick had walked him to the bathroom to shower. He wouldn't leave Catherine to go eat. Everytime someone came to check on Catherine, they stopped by the hospital cafeteria to pick up food for him; most of it went untouched. There was a growing concern that he probably didn't sleep either. They all tried to talk him into taking a break but he refused. He would talk to them a little but he never left Catherine. Quite simply, he had to be close to her. Finally one of the nurses mentioned the situation to Catherine's doctor, who ordered Grissom to go home that night and sleep. If he didn't, the doctor threatened, then he would be banned from Catherine's room. Furthermore, he was only allowed to visit during visitation hours. The doctor reminded him that he wouldn't be able to help Catherine if he was too run down and in the hospital himself when she was released. . Grissom tried to sleep that night. He actually did for a couple of hours but then he spent the rest of the night pacing. He paced their bedroom but the emptiness without her was too much. So he paced the living room. Finally he paced around the bugroom. Sometime during the early hours of the morning Lindsey woke up. She headed downstairs to get some water and heard a noise from his bugroom. Standing at the door she heard him, sobbing. Unsure of what to do, tears began to fill her eyes too. He was hurting and she didn't know how to fix it. Mom was good at making him feel better but Lindsey didn't know how she did it. But she couldn't just stand there either. Slowly she walked into his study. "Gil?"

He became very still. She sensed, rather than saw him try to collect himself. She stepped closer. "Gil, I know you're worried. But the doctor said the worst is over. Mom's going to be okay."

Finding his voice he replied, "Yeah, she'll be fine. I just..." he sighed deeply.

She stepped over to him and put her arms around him. "It's just that she scared us so bad."

Despite his anguish, he smiled. "When did you get so smart?"

"I hang around with the Geek Squad, remember?"

"Yeah. An you are so much like you're mother. It shouldn't surprise me that you have her insight into people too."

"She is pretty good with that, isn't she? But Gil, when you want to, you do okay with that too. I mean, all these years..ever since I can remember; you understood her better than she understands herself. You guys are perfect for each other."

"I know she's perfect for me. That's why I'm so scared. If I ...we...had lost her, I'm not sure I could survive that."

"But we didn't lose her. And the doctor says she'll be home soon. And you can sit and watch her all you want, then."

Again Gil couldn't help but smile. "You've noticed that I do that?"

"Duh...like all the time." She laughed a little.

A comfortable silence settled between them for a few minutes and then Lindsey spoke again. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, honey."

"Well, I mean if you don't want me to do it, I'll understand. But...well, you've always been there for me, even when my dad wasn't sometimes. And now you're married to Mom and you're even more there for us. So...I was wondering...I mean...well, would it be okay if... I call you Dad?"

"I think that would be very okay," he smiled and then hugged her. "I've always felt like you were part my kiddo anyway."

"And Gi...Dad, Mom is really going to be mad if she finds out you were so upset. You know it hurts her when she knows you are hurting."

"Yeah...maybe we could keep this as our secret?"

"I think I'm going to like having a Dad again. Especially one that let's me keep secrets from Mom."

----------------------

Gil, smart man that he is, found little ways to get around some of the doctor's rules. He spent all of the visitation hours in Catherine's room. Then he would leave for awhile. He'd visit the gift shop and find some little trinket or gag gift for her or he'd get a cup of coffee in the cafeteria, or sometimes he'd go to the chapel and spend some time. Then, when he knew the nurses had completed their rounds, he'd sneak back into her room. He'd stay an hour or so and then sneak back out. If the nurses caught on, they didn't say anything. One afternoon he was sitting in the chapel, not really doing what he thought most people went to the chapel for. Instead of praying, he was trying to decide how to tell her about the baby. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't hear as the man approached him.

"Can I be of help?" he asked.

Gil turned to see a man about his age wearing the black suit and white collar that told him the man was a priest. "Excuse me , Father?"

The man smiled. "I'm not a father...well, at least not yours. You're Catholic, I presume?"

"Well...no. I mean, I was but not anymore."

"Oh.Well I'm a Lutheran pastor. Eric Knudsen...most people call me Pastor Eric; or if I get to be just me, they call me Eric." His smile was warm and genuine. Anyway, as a pastor, I look out for the flock but Our Father art in Heaven..." he chuckled at his little joke.

Gil couldn't help but smile at the man's warmth and easy attitude.

"I take it you have a loved one in the hospital?"

"My wife. Look, Fa...I mean Eric, I'm not really a religious person..."

"That's okay. You don't have to be religious to talk. Frankly, it gets sort of lonely around here...not many people use the chapel. I rotate with six other clergy and we try to be sure someone is here everyday. Just in case... But as I was saying...I get kind of lonely, so maybe we could just talk. I'll take my collar off, if that'll make you more comfortable."

The man's ease calmed Gil. "No need."

"So you're wife is here?"

"Yes, We're Crime Scene Investigators and she was shot at a scene the other day."

"Oh, I think I saw that on the news. How is she?"

"Better. Doctor says she can go home soon."

"That's a relief for you and your family, I'm sure. Wait...I remember, you were at the scene with her..."

"Yes, we were working the case together."

"That must have been very frightening. I can't imagine having someone shooting at me and the idea that someone might shoot at someone I love...well, that's just too horrible to contemplate."

"It was...still is." His face saddened and Eric watched as he seemed to go far away.

"Yes, the 'what ifs'sometimes hurt more than the reality."

Gil concentrated on the man's face, studying his look. "Going to ask me to pray about it?" he snapped.

Eric's eyebrow lifted and he looked slightly stung. "No. Prayer seems to have no meaning for you right now. But, I think I will pray for you and your family; pray for healing, I think." He voice trailed off.

Gil suddenly felt bad for his snap. Eric wasn't trying to be overly religious, he was just interested in helping. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."

"I imagine you've been under a great stress. And if I'm reading you correctly, there is still a concern that is haunting you."

Looking at the floor Gil responded quietly. "She was pregnant. With all the trauma, she lost the baby." Tears stung the back of his eyes.

"I'm very sorry," Eric said sympathetically. "How far long was she?"

"About eight weeks. But we didn't know about the baby until that day in the ER. And then just a few hours later it was gone. Thing is...she still doesn't know," he sighed deeply. "And I don't know how to tell her."

Eric studied the man beside him. He should be relieved that she is alright, the pastor thought. Instead he carries the weight of a terrible tragedy. He searched his heart and his faith for a suitable reply. "Well, I don't know your wife so I can't say how the news will effect her. But my wife would want me to tell her soon. And as straightforward as possible. She'd cry a bit, I'm sure. And I think I would hold her very close. And somehow we'd give each other strength and comfort"

"Your not preaching God's comfort?"

"Again I don't know what your marraige is like. But, Gil...my wife is a gift from God. I lost my first wife in a car accident and after two years of horrible grief, he sent Joy...an appropriate name, don't you think? He sent Joy into my life. She had been a reflection of His love and comfort to me and my children ever since. I suspect that your wife brings you much comfort also."

Impressed by the cleric's ability to weave his faith into his own lack of intest in religion, Gil smiled sadly. "Yes, she is. Without her, I would be lost."

"Then Gil, if you don't have faith in God, then at least have faith in the two of you as a couple. Tell her so that the two of you can share in the grief. It was her baby too. She has a right to grieve it."

"Yes, you're right. ...I think it is visting time again. But thank you."

"Stop in anytime, Gil. I enjoy just talking sometimes."

Gil headed back up to her room. Quietly he opened her door and slid in the room. Her eyes were open. Smiling she cocked at him, "Hey..." Her fingers fluttered as she beckoned him closer to her.

Easing up to her, he bent and gently kissed her cheek. "How you feeling today?" he smiled.

"Better now that you are here," she replied. "you been here all night?"

"No. I wnt home for a little while. But the house felt too empty without you there.I couldn't stand it anymore so I came back."

She smiled faintly. "Lindsey?"

"She's okay. She wanted to go back to school today. She misses you too and has been very worried. I'm sure she'll be here after school."

Catherine closed her eyes, comforted by the information. Gil was holding her hand and she squeezed his. "I missed you in the night."

"I missed you too, Cath. Our bed is awfully big and lonely without you in it."

She opened her eyes and studied his face.She could see worry lines that hadn't been there before. His eyes looked tired; weary. And his color wasn't quite right. She worried about him. "Gil, is there something else? Something you're not telling me?"

He closed his eyes and sighed. She knew him so well; he couldn't hide anything from her. Not that he wanted to. "When you were in ER," he began, "they did a test...as a routine matter." His blue eyes were dulled with sadness and grief. "Cath, did you know...suspect that you were pregnant?"

"What? No...well, I knew I was late but I had sorta lost track of when I ..." She was contemplating being a new mother at this stage of her life.Lindsey was in high school. Starting over seemed daunting.Then another thought occurred to her. "Gil? How is the baby? This couldn't have been good...is it okay?"

Tears filled his eyes and rolled down his face. "Honey, they had to do surgery and...during...we lost the baby." His grief was thick.

Catherine absorbed his words and his grief. "How...long did you know, before the surgery, I mean."

"A few hours. Only a few hours. But the thought of a baby; our baby became so real. I was so worried about you and then there was this other little life in the balance."

"Oh Gil. I'm so sorry. You had to go through all of that alone."

"No, Honey. I'm not alone.You're here. But it was your baby too. I'm sorry, Cath. Sorry I didn't so a better job of protecting you...or our baby." He was sobbing now. His pain and despair cut straight through to her heart.

"Gil...hold me. Please. I need to feel you close."

Carefully he sat on the bed and leaned down until their bodies were in contact; his arms gently working the way around her neck. She wrapped her good arm around him and held on tightly. "We'll get through this, Gil. We just have to hold on to each other."

-----------

A week later Catherine was realeased and happy to be going home. The whole gang showed up to walk her out and celebrate as she got into Gil's car and they drove away. Once they were at home, he helped her get to their room and into some comfortable clothes. The effort tired her and once he had her tucked into their bed, she was dozing. Gil sat and watched her for a few minutes, happy to have her back home. He heard Lindsey in the doorway and glanced in her direction.

Smiling she teased him. "I knew you'd be doing that."

"What?" he looked confused.

"Watching her."

His happy blue eyes settled on his new daughter as he replied. "Well, why don't you come watch her for a few minutes and I'll go see what I can do about some food for us."

Easing over toward the bed she smiled. "Okay. I've got the watch. And Dad, please...no broccoli."

Chuckling he left the room. How'd she know he was planning his broccoli and chicken casserole, he wondered.

Later in the evening, after they had eaten and Lindsey had cleaned the kitchen, the three of them were gathered in the 'big bed' as Lindsey called it. "Hey Dad," she looked across her mother at him sitting on her other side. "What's on t.v. tonight?"

Catherine caught Lindsey's use of 'dad' and Gil's ease with it. Grinning, she asked..."Hey, did something happen while I was gone?"

"Yeah," Lindsey beamed. "I got a new Dad."

Catherine looked at Gil, who had a smug little smile on his face. Leaning close to him she whispered, "way to go tiger."

His blue met her blue as he replied, "thank you for sharing her with me."

Catherine dosed off as Gil and Lindsey were discussing whether to watch a Discovery show about ants in Africa or some new crime show. "Lindsey, you know that I'm just going to laugh at all their mistakes in procedure...you won't enjoy it."

"But Dad...ants?"

Finally Gil gave in and they were watching the crime show. Something about investigators in Miami. Gil hated the lead investigator...he got everything all wrong but somehow they managed to solve the case, it seemed. And of course, all the women thought he was a stud or something. After rolliong his eyes and clamping his mouth shut until it hurt, he decided to check on his bugs.

As the music sounded to end the show, Catherine woke up. "Where's Gil?"

"He went down to check on his bugs."

Catherine eased out of bed and worked her way down the steps. Opening the door to his study, she saw that his back was to her. His head was down and his shoulders slumped. He was crying.

"Gil?"

His head popped up and he turned to her. His eyes were red and swollen with tears. He looked surprised to see her. "Cath...what are you doing?" He walked to her, holding her close to him as he walked her to his chair and seated her. "You shouldn't have come down on your own."

"You ...I knew you needed me."

Kneeling in front of her he responded, "I always need you. You are my life. Please, don't overdo and put yourself in a bad position. Please Cath?"

"Umm. okay. I'm sorry." Her eyes were searching his for clues about his tears. "You were crying?"

"I was just thinking...about the baby." Melancholy crept into his features.

"Yeah," she said sadly. "I keep thinking about it too."

"It's just that...well, I was so scared for you. And then, as we were waiting, I thought about the baby to try to keep my mind off of how frightened I was. And the baby became real. So , when it was gone...it seemed like a part of us was gone too."

"You really got attached to the little guy, didn't you." Her smile was a forlorn one.

"It would have been a beautiful baby, Cath. A little you. No,...a little us running around here." His blue eyes met her blue ones as two souls were forever linked by a loss.

She pulled him close to her, holding him and wishing away his pain...their pain. His arms wrapped behind her as he squeezed her. "I love you so much, Cath. I have you home and that's all I really need."

"Gil...please; take me to bed and hold me. I've missed being in your arms. It's the only place that I truly feel safe."

A few minutes later she ws in his arms. He held her snugly against him, his arm resting on the length of her body; his other hand gently massaging the hair behind her ear. Her head rested on his shoulder; her favorite pillow. Her hand was on his chest, fingers caressing his skin. "Gil...now I'm home."

----------------

Almost exactly one year after she was shot, Catherine delivered a healty baby boy. The doctor had not been pleased that she was pregnant so soon after the shooting. But knowing that Gil still suffered the loss of Noah and seeing his anguish over the loss of their baby, she was determined that they would be parents.

Gil had been ecstatic over the news and had played the role of the doting father-to-be with glee. His 'Catherine watching' habit had become more intense. She would catch him watching her and try to scold him but he just giggled. Never in her dreams would she have ever thought that Gil Grissom could giggle. But he was learning. As Catherine had watched him bounce around the house and later the lab, she was reminded of his younger self that used to bounce and laugh, his tongue sticking out in a little boy manner whenever he was happy with himself.

Now,as he held his new son, captivated by the tiny form, he asked her what she wanted to name thier little gift.

"Matthew Gilbert," she answered.

His eyes turned to hers, a question forming. "You wnat to use Gilbert?"

"Yes, I do. I looked it up...it means 'bright promise.' And that's what he is...a promise from me to you that you'd have a child. I made it that night when I came home from the hospital. You remember?"

He thought back and remembered that night. How heartbroken he had been and how she had comforted him." His moist blue eyes looked into hers. "And Matthew?'

"Gift from God, which he is."

The father gazed into the son's not quite alert eyes and whispered, "Hello, our little gift form God that was a promise made to me by the most beautiful woman ever. I'm your Dad. And that lovely lady over there is your Mom."

"You know Gil...while I was reasearching names, I looked up ours."

Gil looked at her inquiringly.

"Catherine is 'pure.' And Gil...I used Gil because I don't really think of you as Gilbert...means 'joy."

He smiled at her. "So you and I together; we're PureJoy?"

Lovingly she returned his gaze. "Yes we are." His eyes were twinkling and his face glowed with happiness. Gone were the demons of his past. Suddenly a realization flooded through her soul as the puzzle pieces fell into place for her. He really wasn't that complicated after all. All along he had been searching for the same thing she had been looking for; love with a special person and a family to call his own. For Catherine Flynn Willows Grissom, the enigma of Gil Grissom was finally solved.

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Please. oh pretty please...tell me what you think of the story. I hope you enjoyed it but if you didn't, I want to know that too. Oh, come on...just hit the little review button and type a few words. You can do it:-)


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